My Journal (continued) Page 4

January 12, 2000
Once more, he was open and honest with me. He wouldn't know until he opened my stump again. Of course, this news scared the hell out of me. Another surgery???? Three surgeries in a month???? What did I do to deserve this?

I was terrified. Scared of what he would find, scared of the pain I'd have to go through again, scared maybe this time I'd end up with an ABOVE the knee amputation instead of BELOW as I was. There were many days I cursed my leg, cried over it's loss, but now I prayed God would let me keep what I had and not take my knee away.

January 13, 2000
Dr. E. did the surgery early that morning. Later in the afternoon, after I had been taken to my room he came to give us the news. I had a massive infection in my stump. (My first thought was I had done something when I fell and landed so hard, but Dr. E. said that wasn't the case.) A pocket of blood had formed inside the stump and got infected. The difference this time was that he had left my stump open, he didn't close it with the staples he had used before. I hadn't really understood what Dr. E. meant by 'kept it open' until the next day when he came to check on me. By keeping my stump wound open, he wanted me to whirlpool my stump twice a day to get rid of all the infection. This was much more of an ordeal than I ever imagined.

Having to go through the whirlpool at the hospital wasn't too bad. I had to go down to Physical Therapy again and my good ol' therapist took me to a wet, damp, chlorine smelling room. The whirlpool there was huge, big enough for a person to sit down into. But since I needed only to put my stump in the pool, I thought I had it made. Looks can be deceiving though. It turned out to be very painful. The whirling water hit the open 'fish-mouth' (it's the only way I know to decribe it!) wound and I came up off the floor! I hadn't realized how much it was going to hurt!

My biggest and greatest fear was PAIN. I couldn't help but be afraid of it. Enduring the amount of pain I went through before and just after the amputation was terrifying to me. The memory of it is still with me today. So having to deal with this new ordeal, whirlpooling, scared me so badly, not even prayers could help my nerves.

My husband had to get a whirlpool before I could go home. He went to every Medical Company in the city, trying to find one, without any luck. Finally, he went to Walmart, found a bathtub whirlpool machine and then went to Farm & Fleet and found a large 3' x 2' bucket. Some how he MacGyverized it so the whirlpool machine could fit on the side of it.

This hospitalization was as scary as the first. What made it scarier was that the city at the time was having an epidemic of a bad viral strain of the flu. The entire hospital was full and the only place I could be placed was on the Rehab floor instead of a Medical Surgical floor where I really belonged. The nurses there were great, but they never had to deal with a PCA machine (morphine drip). I was scared to death something would go wrong and they wouldn't know what to do. My husband had watched the nurses for 3 weeks using the PCA machine on my prior stay and knew more about it than the Rehab nurses did. I can remember him showing one of the Rehab nurses how to use it and what settings to input!!! To say the least, I was glad when I went home.

January 18, 2000
By now I've gone back to Physical Therapy, not for the usual walking or gait training, but for my whirlpool treatments. It was scary, and difficult because their whirlpool tub was hard to get to. But, as usual I did what I had to do. The pain was manageable, though afterwards I was exhausted. I looked forward to when I could go home.

January 19, 2000
That day finally came! I gladly went home, this time with less trepidation than I had the first time. I still wasn't looking forward to the whirlpools though. I was sent home with 4x4 sterile dressings, Kerlix, Micropore tape and about 6 acewrap bandages. My husband was given specific instructions by Dr. E. on how to whirlpool my stump and wrap it after each treatment. I had finally come to realize how serious and yet how important these whirlpools were going to be. My husband had the whirlpool tub all ready to go, now all he had to do was get me into the bathroom to do them. We started our first one the next day at 10:00 am.

January 20, 2000
I woke that morning, knowing what had to be done, but dreading it at the same time. My husband filled the tub with warm water, put some Betadine (anticeptic) into the water and waited for my courage to kick into gear. It never really did, but I knew what I had to do to get better. My goal was to walk again, and nothing was going to keep me from that, not even a whirlpool.

So I hopped into the bathroom with my trusty walker and sat on the bath bench. I could smell the Betadine in the air and feel the warmth of the water. My husband unwrapped the ace bandage from my stump and uncurled the Kerlix. With that my stump flopped open, something along the lines of a fish mouth, scaring us both half to death. I grabbed my leg, half afraid my stump would fall off. Inside my stump were the blood covered 4x4's that had to be removed. He pulled at one of them and I could feel the sensation of the pull and the pain go up my leg at the same time. I bit back the tears as he pulled the second 4x4 out. Blood gushed to the bathroom floor before I could even get my leg into the already whirling water. (I was on blood thinners because of the blood clot). I lowered my stump into the warm water and cried the entire time. It was painful, the churning water seemed to hit every nerve ending of my gapped-open stump. The open wound was about 6 inches across and about 4 inches deep into my leg. My husband could see the bone of my leg and red, bloody fleshy meat that had become me. Dr. E. wanted me to whirlpool for at least 15 minutes, twice a day. My husband set the timer on the microwave each time. But this first time, I couldn't stand it! The pain was unbearable and I told my husband "No more, please, no more." after 10 minutes. I couldn't take it any longer.

But I didn't realize that whirlpooling my stump was only one ordeal to go through. My husband sat on the floor in front of me and the whirlpool tub and cried as I cried. He tried so hard not too, to give me encouragement. But how do you give encouragement when you know the person you love is in more pain then you know yourself could endure? I told him many times over the weeks we did this, twice a day, 10:00 am and 6:00 pm, that I could have a nurse come in and do the whirlpools but he wouldn't have it. He refused to allow anyone else to touch me. He knew, he'd be as gentle as he could and only he could give me the courage to keep on going.

I hadn't realized that after the whirlpools came the the closing of my stump. My husband would dry my leg and stump, and then had to tightly lay inside the fish mouth 2 sterile 4x4's across the open stump. He then had to lift up the lower flap end of my stump and tightly wrap them together with Kerlix and then ace bandage. This was as painful as the whirlpool and I cried more. My life had suddenly become a painful nightmare that would last at least 2 months. Dr. E. said it was the only way to remove the 'ickies' . That night, before I placed my leg into the whirlpool I had my husband take a Poloroid of my open wound. Not that I'm gross or anything, but I wanted to see what my leg looked like since I was on the other end and couldn't. He did and what I saw terrified me! There was red, bloody flesh, fatty tissue, small and large black spots of dead infection, and the bone to my leg. I sat over that picture and cried. Two more months? I didn't think I could make it that long.

January 21, 2000 through February 9, 2000
In this three week period my life was geared for two events and two events in my day only. 10:00 am and 6:00 pm. My world evolved around those times. Once the morning whirlpool was complete I heaved a sigh of relief but around 1:00 pm I began thinking about 6:00 pm. I worked on my computer, I watched T.V., I even went to the grocery store with my husband. The weather was snowy and icy and moving over the ground in my wheelchair was an experience. I used my walker as though it were my other leg. Manuevering through the house had become easier, going to the car in the garage was becoming second nature to me. And yes, each whirlpool became easier and easier. With each one we found a new way of making the experience less painful. At two weeks of whirlpools, I ask my husband to take another picture to see if there was any progress. What a difference!! The black spots were almost gone, the fatty tissue was also gone and the fish mouth itself had become smaller. On my next weekly appointment with Dr. E. we took the pictures to him. He immediately ask if he could keep them for my file. I had to laugh, because in the back of my mind I knew he'd want them. My husband had scanned them and put them on his computer for safe keeping. It wasn't until a year later that I looked at them again, finding them by accident. I realized I'd come a long way.

February 10, 2000
Another appointment with Dr. E. My husband and I had become experts on wrapping and unwrapping my stump at our doctor visits. The nurses in his office even knew not to ask if we needed help. They automatically knew my husband would be the one to do the unwrapping for inspection by Dr. E.

Today, Dr. E. came in an did his usual check. He said "Looks good." and turned away to write in my chart. My husband kneeled down in front of my wheelchair to start the wrapping procedure he's almost learned to do with his eyes shut, when Dr. E. said "Wait. I'm going to close the stump today." My heart nearly jumped out of my chest! Close it??? Actually close?? How was he going to do that? With staples???? OUCH!!!!! My heart sank, my blood pressure probably went off the scale at the thought.

Dr. E. I found out over the past weeks had a very wry sense of humor. He knew my fear of pain, but always let me think the worse. He turned to me with a smile on his face. "Yes, close it." My first question was, "No more whirlpools?" He shook his head. "No more whirlpools." I couldn't help it, neither could my husband. We cried, just a little. Of course, my next question was, "How are you going to close it? With staples?" Dr. E. looked at me again. "Well, if you want me to use staples I will, but I think I have a better way." He put some goopy, sticky stuff on the top and bottom of my fish mouth. He then place TAPE that went from the bottom of my stump opening to the top of it. It was that simple!!!! If I could have gotten up and done a jig, I would have! Dr. E. turned from washing his hands. "You should be proud. What should have taken 2 months, you did in 3 weeks. You did good." In that moment, I knew I would make it!!

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